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If you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm"
as you hear these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just
can't help yourself.
There is just SOMETHING about these guys that
draws you in, even as your head tells you to "beware"!
So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily
that they are more physically attractive or smarter or more
successful than the "nice guys". In fact, they can
have fewer of these qualities, yet be harder to resist.
So what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys.
This term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly.
Do these behaviors ring a bell?
*calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if
you want to get together
*not showing up for a date- followed by no phone
call or apology
*never having any money when you are out
* forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other
important dates
*flirting openly with other women when you are
together
*hitting on your good friend(s)
*making booty calls at 1am, after they've had
a night out with others
*is doing time for a serious felony
Instead of asking "what is it about these
guys"; let's instead examine what it is about the women
who can't resist them. The following are actual statements from
women who have a history of attraction to these guys. See if
any of these sound familiar.
* "It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable
and exciting."
* "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured;
I feel safe with him."
* "It's not his fault; he's trying to get
his life together."
* "I haven't met anyone else that makes me
feel the way he does."
* "He's so charming and passionate."
* "He tells me how much he likes me, so he
must really feel something for me."
* "He needs me."
* "He doesn't come across as needy and desperate."
* "I can't believe I've attracted someone
like him."
Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign.
We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose.
So, where's the problem?
Essentially it's in his inability to meet the
woman's fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most)
of the giving. The question then lies in; "what's in it
for her?"
The answer can be found by exploring three basic
issues:
*level of self-esteem
*capacity for intimacy
*roles that she has been in throughout her life
If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses
a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her
that she is valued and respected. She won't allow this other
person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in
her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.
If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses
someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.
If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is
open to the true availability of the other person. She wants
him to be a full and active participant in the relationship.
She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take
as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers.
If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who
is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or
physically available.
If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships
since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue
this healthy interaction.
If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer,
caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others,
this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.
Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between
on these issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each
area and decide on a course of action that will help you to
choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets
your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.
Begin with an assessment of what you value most
in life and cannot live without.
Once you know what is most important to you and
believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken
a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.
How
To Be The Jerk Women Love
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