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Being Authentically You |
by:
Jennifer Snyder |
I once read a
fascinating, but all too realistic, story about a woman who opened
her closet door and out tumbled various pieces of sporting equipment
and memorabilia.
While these possessions represented the last decade of her life,
she didn’t realize until putting them all away that she felt no
connection to anything in her closet. You see, this poor woman
had put aside her own interests for the hobbies of a long line
of significant others. Standing before her newly straightened
shelves, she recalled relationships with Partner A in the water
skis, Partner B in the bicycle helmet, and Partner C with a paintball
gun. She asked herself, “How could I have given up so much of
myself so that nothing in my closet reflects my own interests?”
My simple answer is that she had a desire to fit in and be accepted.
It’s a pretty safe bet that if a woman wants to become her partner’s
ideal mate, she only needs to transform herself into that person.
And it happens … again, and again, and again.
Still, we wonder, what does this cost her? And, is it fair to
her significant other? Maybe, most importantly, we need to recognize
that following this plan of action leads her to never finding
a true ideal mate.
Like many of my coaching clients, I was raised with the unspoken
messages of not asking for too much, and not being too vocal about
my strengths. As a result, this upbringing and my need to be accepted
after my divorce found me dating men who didn’t require much from
their partner. At the same time, they didn’t offer much, either.
If you were looking for your ideal partner today, would you really
be interested in someone whose only goal was to become your vision
of a good mate? Would you want to spend time with someone who
presented himself one way, but after the curtain was drawn, you
saw something much different? Whether the person is a significant
other or a female acquaintance, isn’t this image a little unsettling?
I don’t believe most women are trying to fool a mate with smoke
and mirrors, but I do fear that many transform their lives to
match their partner’s because they don’t yet know who they are,
what their likes and dislikes are, or how to measure their goals
and values.
A staggering number of women in my divorce workshops say, “I’ve
given so much to my ex-husband and the family that I feel like
I’m left with nothing. I couldn’t even tell you my favorite color,
or what I want for dinner.” My heart immediately goes out to these
women because years ago, their words were mine.
Sometimes help comes from the most unexpected places. A few weeks
ago, while preparing for an appearance on an Orlando news program,
I had to confront my comfortable pattern of downplaying my strengths.
In the length of a short guest feature, I had to explain the ways
I help women, and why I’m good at my work. This moment was significant
for me, and one I will remember every time I find myself wanting
to go back to that old habit of not being true to myself.
You can win in relationships and business by authentically knowing
and being who you are, using the skills you bring to the table,
and having a level of comfort that allows for flexibility and
change.
Women shortchange themselves by jumping into relationships before
taking the time to fully discover and appreciate themselves. They
don’t stop to think about the characteristics they desire in a
partner.
Are you looking for your ideal relationship?
Surprise—it all begins with being authentically you.
About the author:
Jennifer Snyder is the author of a self discovery workbook, The
Time of Your Life: A Creative Sourcebook for Women.
Six Critical
Paths To Personal Power
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